This actually happened. Yesterday, I received a phishing email from someone pretend to be the chairman of a board of directors on which I currently serve. Not leaving well enough alone, I had to have some fun. And I truly hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
I’ll like to know our current account balance as we got some expenses to complete, I’m on an emergency travel.
Oh no, I hope everyone is okay!
Yeah, so I know you told me never to send this over email, but since you’re in a pinch, I guess it’s okay.
We have $42,769 and change in the checking account. And again about twice that in the emergency fund.
I need you to write a check of $2,320.00 from the emergency funds and i need you to mail it out today via FedEx next day delivery. Get back to me once you get this.
You took away my check writing authority when I got caught in the Caymans with your secretary. Remember that? Still really embarrassed by that. Thanks for the reminder. That was really harsh.
Wait…you said I was on probation for 6 months…but that was like, 2 years ago. Am I still on restriction?
If so…can you reach Sally? She can issue a check. I think she’ll be in the office for 15 more minutes. She needs to get her kid to the dentist.
When i get back we are going to resolve all that but right now i need you to forward this to Sally and tell her to remove it from the emergency fund right away. I want her to make the shipment via FedEx Express Mail Delivery Service so it gets there tomorrow and please get back to me with the shipment receipt and a copy of the check once you write it.
Name: Virginia Anne Dwyer
Address:59 Lufkin Road North Yarmouth
Zip code: 04097
Okay…I poked my head into her office. She threw a stapler at me. I told her it was okay and that you said I was allowed to talk to her again. I think she’ been drinking again. And I get in trouble for my little indiscretions? Man, I hope she doesn’t have to drive far.
Once she stumbled over to your desk, she had a hard time getting your drawers open. So I have two choices here, I can try to pick the lock (you DON’T get to yell at me this time for it) or I can grab a drill from the workshop and bore out the lock.
Dude, I’m so saving this email so you can’t fire me for this.
PS: isn’t Portland in Maine? Not the other way around?
Just get this done immediately and send me the tracking number from FedEx once the check is mailed out.
Name: Virginia Anne Dwyer
Address:59 Lufkin Road North Yarmouth Maine Portland 04097
Okay, so I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that I have a check. The bad news is how I got it.
I tried drilling out the lock – but, true to your word, you sprung for the good one so I couldn’t do it again. I went through 5 drill bits until the drill started sparking and finally died. The lights went out too, but I found the breaker panel and turned them back on.
Stupid move putting such a strong lock on a cheap IKEA desk, though. What were you thinking? A hammer and prybar from the workshop took care of that. But, like you said, GET IT DONE. So I did. I saved the email.
More good and bad news. Sally didn’t leave to get her kid. (That’s the good news.) Unfortunately, she’s passed out in your chair. (Why is she allowed to drink at work and I’m not?)
Can Margaret sign for checks? Or do you have a signature stamp around here somewhere?
If not, don’t worry. FedEx is open ’til 8 and I’m brewing coffee. I’ll force feed it to Sally if I need to. Yes, I’ll remember ice – I think I learned my lesson last time.
I’ve got the address – you don’t have to keep sending it to me.
PS: You’re going to need a new desk.
PPS: You’re never going to fire me now.
PPPS: You shouldn’t leave pictures like that in your desk.
PPPPS: Now I know why you were so mad about your secretary.
PPPPPS: I think it’s time we talk about my raise. Or…ya know…Karen won’t be happy.
Margaret can sign it.
Okay, sorry about the delay. Margaret was pulling out into traffic when I found her. So I had to chase her down the street. She didn’t realize it was me and thought someone was trying to carjack her. Pepper spray hurts.
And I am SO sorry, but I just missed the FedEx store by 2 minutes. I swear. I was standing there banging on the door, begging the lady to let me ship something. You know what she did? She called the cops! Fortunately, I got out of there before they showed up. I think there a guy that works there in the morning. I’ll try again first thing. Hopefully, the cops aren’t waiting.
Sally puked on your desk, BTW.
This is just not my day.
My wife found these emails on my phone. She’s not happy.
Dude, you are totally ruining my life over this money. I hope it’s worth it. I feel like I should send more just to make it seem worthwhile.
I think she’s calling Karen.
It was cold outside last night. I know I shouldn’t complain, you are up in Maine, Portland, but my wife made me sleep in the tree house last night. I must be out of my mind still trying to help you.
Regardless, here is your stupid check. And I don’t have the FedEx tracking number. I sort of forgot to ask for it after all the other junk you put me through in the last 16 hours.
Anything else, your highness?
Awfully convenient how you stopped responding once I got ahold of the check. Coward. All you can hope for is that Karen gets to you before I do!
PS: I turned the heat on in the building. It’s cold here this morning. I don’t care if costs “extra money to keep the place warm.” We’re tired of working in the cold all the time.
All of the ice cream has melted.
I guess it makes sense now why you keep the place so cold.