[This is my manifesto. My exposure. These are the things that I think about and, as a result, things I write about. If any of this resounds with you, I hope you’ll come along with me for the ride.]
By day, I am a super hero. I quickly shrink files with the click of my mouse. Develop apps out of thin air. Manipulate data models with ease. Cruise the internet in my super smooth ’36 Firefox. Send emails with a flourish. Skype with my network. Photoshop icons.
And, I hide.
Sometimes I hide behind busy-ness. Sometime I hide behind challenges.
Sometimes I am just tired and cannot muster the strength or the energy to put on a face.
Sometimes, I need to not hide.
For the most part, I am a pretty transparent person. I am happy to share my thoughts and ideas with people and if I learn something useful, I really truly want to share it with others.
But there is one thing that I really haven’t ever written about…I am a little ashamed to admit…but I don’t see how I can build a tribe without saying it.
I don’t feel like I fit in this world. Anywhere. I feel like an anachronism. An interstitial.
People tell me how smart I am. I am very humbled by it, but I feel stupid because things that are so easy for (supposedly) less intelligent people are so hard for me. So, I think everyone is intelligent “in some way” but then again, the world doesn’t seem to reflect that.
I don’t understand my gifts and talents. At least, I don’t understand how I am supposed to channel them into one greater purpose. When I meet you people who know exactly what you want to do with your life, I am a little jealous (but not envious, I am happy for you). I wish I had that figured out.
I want my life to count for something. Yes, I know I need to love my wife and kids (and I do), but I want my life to count for more.
I don’t need to be understood, but being misunderstood is hard.
I used to feel like I had something to prove. But I don’t anymore. At least, not to anyone else. That used to be a really powerful driver, but I don’t feel it anymore.
Some days, I just don’t care. About much of anything. Yes, I care about my wife and kids, but I don’t care about work, computers, other people, anything.
I am a recovering affirmation junkie. Maybe because I don’t care anymore.
I love Jesus. I think He is awesome. I think people think I am less intelligent because I believe in God. Yes, I think God sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for my sins and the sins of all who believe in Him.
I don’t think Belief is the same thing as Intellectual Assent. If you truly believe something, you change your actions.
I don’t believe Adam and Eve happened as described…I think it’s allegorical…but no, I don’t think that makes the Bible untrue. It claims that bats are birds. By one understanding, that’s pretty reasonable.
I get bored. I like things to change. No, not my life, but what I do – day in and day out. My truck is fifteen years old and I could care less. I do wish it had an auxiliary input and better speakers.
Once in a blue moon, I’ll find myself somewhere and think, “I am in the zone.” But I can’t repeat that situation and be in the zone the next time or the time after. It’s like a one-shot deal.
I can only remember about 5 times in my entire life that when I woke up, I was actually refreshed and ready to go. Waking up is hard.
Some successful people talk about how successful people sleep 6 hours. I really need about 8 and that makes me feel lazy.
I believe in work-life balance. I want to see my wife and kids (and not just when they are sleeping). I work hard, but do not put in over 45 hours every week to build my business. This makes me feel like a failure.
I want to speak positive things to people. I want to add value to their lives. I want people to feel better about their lives because of interacting with me. I don’t need the credit.
Sometimes, when people ask, I am really not okay and I don’t want to tell them that. I don’t want to be that guy. But I don’t want to be disingenuous. So, I think it’s better to just be great!
Some days I don’t feel great.
I would really like a quality mentor. Not for my company, but me. Someone who would take ME under their wing and help me climb to the next level.
I don’t understand getting angry when you don’t understand. Communication is hard. It’s like when I sit down to build a webpage. I always hate it because I think it’s going to take me twenty minutes, and two hours later, I barely have anything. We have to expect that communication takes more effort.
I don’t really have a grand vision for my life.
I am interested in a LOT of stuff. So I don’t have that one thing that will make me happy. And I don’t have that one thing that I think I should do.
I think I should do it all!
But I don’t want it all.
I would like a Ferrari. Actually, I would really just like to drive a Ferrari for a couple of weeks. I don’t want to pay for the maintenance. A Tesla Roadster would certainly suffice. Heck, it might be better.
I want to design and build a car. Not a kit, but a whole new concept car.
I like writing. I love creating ideas and putting them on the internet. I hope they matter to someone. I don’t need credit, but I would like a conversation.
I think it would be cool to be a minor celebrity (or even a major one).
I am constantly amazed at how EVERYTHING is marketing.
I hate excuses and I really hate hearing “I can’t.”
I want to have a business so I can multiply my efforts through other people and add their ideas which make my original idea better. I don’t know how to build that kind of a business.
I don’t judge value like other people. Maybe I am self-centered and selfish. If something tickles my brain, I want to explore it…until it gets boring.
I rarely need a map and I always know where I am.
But I am lost because I don’t know where I am going.
When something really hurts me, it takes a while to let go.
When someone breaks my trust, I have a really hard time granting them honor (giving them the benefit of the doubt) in future interactions. I don’t trust their motives anymore…rarely do they change my mind.
I’ve burned a couple of bridges and wish I hadn’t. I’ve also left a couple intact that I should have burned.
I really hope you read this and think, “me too” and not “glad that’s over.” Of course, if you got here, thank you.